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Tuesday 10 August 2021

Second OnlyFans Suspension for the Nasties


In a second, crushing, blow to the 9 o'clock Nasty's attempt to monetise their more erotic media content, the global top-shelf-member platform has again suspended the band's account. Following the initial 5 day ban for over-use of gongs, this second ban means that the dark sensuality of Pete Brock's masterpiece of suggestive manipulation "Watch If You Must But Close Your Eyes" - a 14 minute short film created with Yurichi Sukkimoto and featuring a 9 o'clock Nasty instrumental soundtrack, cannot be made available on a pay-per-view basis.

The signature shot of the film, a 18 minute high speed drone  flypast over Bradgate Park fell foul of the censorious censors due to a flicker of nudity in which Brock chases a plastic bag whilst butt-naked as the sun rises over Old Tom.

Ted Pepper, emerging from the bowels of Koala Studio after 21 hours mixing the Nasty's cover version of the Bauhaus classic "Terror Couple Kill Colonel" commented with severe blears:

"We would rather be true to our content, than cover up Pete's magnificent body. Ever since he was a little boy he dreamt of hurtling over the wet grass bare-foot and bare-butt and his art cannot be silenced. Well actually that is exactly what has happened. But fear not, as soon as the suspension ends we will begin sharing edgy material that is too dark for open-access media."

No effort whatsoever was made to contact OnlyFans about this article, except for opening the kitchen window and sullenly whispering their name three times.

Nasty, out.

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